How to get over your ex
And thrive
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
Relationship breakups are hard. They run the full gamut of heartache – from a respectful, mutual decision to end a relationship that has grown apart, to the devastation of a betrayal, to escaping an abusive partner.
The ending of a once-close, happy bond is so difficult that some people would even rather stay in a stifling, dissatisfying relationship than face the pain of a breakup.
While we can’t promise you a pain-free breakup, we can offer you these effective strategies to help you heal faster, negate long-term suffering, and get you back up on your feet and thriving again!
1. Regulate your nervous system
Our intimate partners have significant influence over our nervous systems. If the relationship is happy and safe, we feel calm (co-regulation). If it is full of tension, we can be triggered to live in a constant fight-or-flight response (co-dysregulation).
When the energetic bond with a partner is broken, it’s natural that our nervous systems get out of kilter. We often feel panicked and can be prone to emotional spiralling.
Don’t be afraid of the power of crying: It’s your body’s way of releasing pent-up nervous tension. That’s why, after a good cry, you often feel peace and mental clarity.
To heal from your breakup, focus daily on activities that regulate your nervous system. Walking is great because the left-right rhythm of your feet on the ground is soothing to the brain. Being out in nature and taking time to listen to the birds, feel the soft breeze on your skin, and breathe in the scent of the flowers and plants are powerful nervous system regulators.
Meditation and breathing exercises are the gold-standard of nervous system regulation, so if you don’t already practise these, take the opportunity to learn about them now.
Keep up the basics – good sleep, exercise, hydration and nourishing food. Plan activities ahead and avoid rushing.
Spend time with supportive people and have hobbies and activities to look forward to each day.
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, and the above activities aren’t enough to make you feel safe and regulated again, you have likely been traumatised. Please do seek out professional help and therapies such as EMDR specifically targeted to healing trauma.
2. Your Ex is living in your brain - and they need to move out!
When you do, think or feel something regularly, your brain creates neural pathways for that activity so it can do it faster and more effectively. This is how a habit is formed. This is actual physical hardware in your brain.
You and your ex-partner created neural pathways in each other’s brains. Everything from how you reacted when you saw each other, things you did together regularly, traits you liked – and didn’t like – about each other are all mapped there.
It’s natural that those pathways are still going to be firing and wiring straight after your breakup. It takes new repetitive actions for the neurons in our brain to start to fade and for new thoughts, feelings and behaviours to take their place.
So yes, your ex will be living in your brain for a while. But you can move on faster by avoiding ruminating on things that happened, going over old arguments in your head, and hanging around places you used to go together.
Make it a practice to do something new every day – a new hobby, listen to a different type of music, sleep on a different side of the bed, buy some new outfits, join a new social group, etc
Journaling is a great way to get repetitive thoughts out onto paper. The brain-hand motion of writing is often a great way to break a repetitive thought loop.
3. Your Past Does Not Equal Your Future
The story you tell yourself about your relationship breakup will influence your future, so be careful about how you frame the end of your relationship.
Most of us have been sold the idea of a forever love, one that stays close and passionate for decades. But it is not the lived reality for most people. We are living longer and expect more from our lives, so it’s more likely we will have maybe two or even three significant relationships over our lifetimes. We tend to romanticise 60-year marriages, but often the reality is one partner has given up a lot of themselves – even their health - to keep that relationship together.
You mustn’t define yourself as a ‘failure’ because your relationship broke up. Instead, view yourself as a loveable, worthy being who is on a journey – learning about yourself, life and love. Everything that happens on the journey is an opportunity for growth and new adventures.
You can apply the above strategies to a recent breakup or to one that happened years ago, but that still torments you.
We hope today’s newsletter has been inspirational to you in creating the happy, peaceful and love-filled life you deserve!
Catch-up:
Your Life – the Director’s Cut
Romanticise your life
The magic is in the journey
How to survive the holidays
Be Your Own Guru
HOW THE FEEL GOOD NOW JOURNAL CAN HELP YOU HEAL FROM A RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP
The Feel Good Now Journal is a guided journal that, in a few minutes a day (and some reflection time on the weekend), will have you thinking, feeling and acting in new ways that support your well-being.
As we shared in the article above, to get over your ex, you will need to:
Reregulate your nervous system
Set some new intentions
Create positive goals for yourself; and
Create new habits and neural pathways
With The Feel Good Now Journal as your companion, you will have a steady guide to help you move through your breakup and to move onwards and upwards to create a new, thriving life for yourself!
Get yourself a copy today and get started.
🤍 WHAT BELINDA IS ENJOYING:
Belinda is loving her belly dance classes. While working intensively on her next novel and at the same time preparing to go on tour for her new book, The Italian Correspondent, she has found that having a belly dance class to look forward to at the end of the day is a great way to shake off tension and make herself feel good.
🖤 WHAT KELLY IS ENJOYING:
I recently had the pleasure of watching my oldest friend marry the woman of her dreams. It was magic. I also got to catch up with a mate I haven’t seen in maybe 10 years. Those relationships that just pick up again and where you're laughing your guts up are the best, aren’t they? Speaking of laughing, I have to share this. I recently took my mum to an eye appointment. I am not joking when I tell you I couldn’t see where the eye clinic was. Then, when I saw how BIG it was written … I pissed myself laughing:
⚘ If you think a friend could do with its uplifting message, feel free to use the button below to share it with them. Let’s make life good together ⚘
KELLY’S SILLY BIT
The Ultimate Rock ‘n’ Roll Exes
If we’re talking exes, we have to talk about Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham. The ultimate on/off relationship.
They met properly when she joined his band, Fritz, in 1967. Soon after, they got together with their own thing, Buckingham Nicks, both musically and personally. They then got invited to join Fleetwood Mac, and the rest is history. The 1977 album Rumours, which made the band famous, is about the breakups of the whole band. And ohhh it gets messy. Imagine your ex writing a song about your breakup and you having to sing along in harmony?
Like here, in this 1982 performance of The Chain where Stevie and Lindsay basically scream the lyrics at each other.
Then in 1997, Queen Stevie sings ‘You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you’ and ‘I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you’ to him with her song Silver Springs. I saw a comment on YouTube when grabbing this that made me laugh. It said: ‘Imagine having a guitar solo in your own diss track.’ Look at the way she looks at him when she sings. Offt! I love it. Both cathartic and chaotic.
Mariah on Fire
Mariah Carey was once engaged to billionaire James Packer. They didn’t end up together, and so Mariah decided to sue him for wasting her time. Yep! She said she wanted to be compensated for the time she spent on their relationship and stated the money was an inconvenience fee [Brilliant!]. I believe she also got to keep the ring. I actually love that.
Who else could be added to this list?
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
PS: We love hearing from you, jump in the comments and let us know what you think!