Are you trying too hard?
Let success come to you
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
In my book The Divine Feline: A Chic Cat Lady’s Guide to Woman’s Best Friend, I teach people that if they want to befriend a timid cat, the worst thing they can do is corner the terrified animal, who is probably hiding under a sofa or behind a cupboard, and try to entice it with the words, ‘Here, Kitty-Kitty!’ That works for no one. The best technique is to roll out a yoga mat, lie on it and stare at the ceiling. There is nothing more enticing to a cat than a relaxed human being who isn’t paying it attention. You can even fall asleep if you want. If you do, you may well wake up to find the cat sleeping on your stomach.
If you find that a much longed-for goal – perhaps to increase your income, find true love, or start your own business – is constantly eluding you, it may simply be that you are trying too hard. That’s easy to do in a culture where ‘hustling and grinding’ and even overworking are romanticised.
Here are a couple more examples of when trying too hard pushes success away rather than attracts it:
You have a friend who is great at cracking jokes at parties. They have everyone rolling around holding their stomachs, they are laughing so much. You make the mistake of telling your friend, ‘You are so funny. I must invite you to my party next week so you can make everyone laugh.’ Now, you have subconsciously put into your friend’s mind that they are performing or have an expectation to meet. At your party, rather than being their normal relaxed, dry-humoured self, your friend begins to try too hard, and what comes out of their mouth are forced, cringy jokes that fall completely flat.
Or let’s imagine a woman who goes on dinner dates with two different men. The men are similar in personality, good qualities and physical appearance. However, the first man she dates is relaxed and open. He introduces himself with a friendly confidence, pulls out the chair for her and makes easy conversation. Like her, he is hoping to make a good impression and to find someone compatible to spend the rest of his life with, but he is not desperate and can take his time to find the right person. The second man exudes an air of desperation in his search for a companion. He greets the woman with a clammy handshake and is so nervous about the date that he pulls the chair out too far from the table, and she falls to the floor. Once they’re finally seated, he reaches into his pocket and unfolds a list of pre-planned questions to ask her about how she sees their future together. Which man is most likely to get a second date?
Today, we’re going to talk about relaxed success – the kind that relies on flow and intuition and being in a state of curiosity and joy.
So, grab your journal and a pen, and let’s get started!
PROMPTS
1. Think about a goal you’ve been trying to achieve or a skill you’ve wanted to master, but for which you have experienced little success so far. Write it down.
2. When you think about working towards that goal or skill, are you motivated by pain or by pleasure?
For example, let’s take increasing your income. Are you motivated by the fear of not having enough money to feed and clothe yourself or by the pleasurable idea of having more than enough money to take care of your needs, enjoy your life and experience new things?
Can you see how having a more positive motivation for a goal, and identifying more pleasure with achieving it, changes your energy and feelings towards that goal? People would be much more attracted to helping you achieve your goal if your motivation was positive.
If you are currently motivated by fear, what are some ways you could focus more on the pleasure of achieving your goal? What have you got to gain, and how good will it feel when you get there? What positive things could you tell yourself about the goal you are going for? Write your ideas down.
STRATEGIES
We aren’t going to tell you that achieving goals doesn’t require focus and discipline, or even many hours of effort. But what we will tell you is that the attitude that you set about achieving your goal with will make a significant difference to its fulfilment. The more relaxed you are about an outcome, the better that outcome is likely to be.
So here are some strategies to help you develop a relaxed mindset while working towards your goal.
1. Focus on the process and being in the flow rather than on the end goal.
A flow state – or being "in the zone” - is a mental state of deep engagement and focus where you are so absorbed in an activity that you lose awareness of yourself and the passage of time. It gives you a heightened sense of enjoyment and confidence for the task at hand.
Once you’ve decided on the goal you want to achieve, break down the actions you need to take into smaller daily steps. Before you start working on the step for the day, close your eyes and breathe in and out slowly five times (six counts in and six counts out is usually a good pace to aim for).
This will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and will help you shift into a more relaxed state. It will promote a sense of calmness and well-being that’s vital to getting into a flow state.
Then set an intention of how you want to be while you are performing the task – relaxed, excited, creative, or joyful – as well as what you want to achieve in each work session.
You can also get yourself into a state of flow before a date or other important event by practising the above steps.
When you finish the task, take a proper break. Look out the window, drink a tall glass of water, have a stretch or go for a walk.
2. Bring play, curiosity and a sense of fun into the work you do to achieve your goal.
Being too serious-minded about your goal can often hamper its achievement. Fun and pleasure in your work can open up your creativity and increase your productivity.
Some innovative companies are finally learning that employees work better and are more creative when they’re having fun. Many corporations now provide games or even ‘playrooms’ for workers to enjoy during their breaks.
What are some ways you can add fun and curiosity to your goal achievement?
For example, can you sing your to-do list for the day out loud rather than simply read it? (Perhaps turn it into a rap song or an opera.) Could your planner be full of bright colours and cartoon characters? Or could you dance to your favourite song before leaving for work for the day? Or perhaps, instead of taking your date to a boring restaurant, could you take them somewhere fun where the waiters dress in costumes or the restaurant offers live comedy acts?
3. Keep your body flexible, take appropriate breaks and get the rest you need to perform at an optimum level without becoming stressed.
It’s difficult to achieve a relaxed state of flow when your mind and body are tense and overworked. Make sure that you take regular breaks between tasks, do at least 10 minutes of stretching every day appropriate to your flexibility level, and have a regular bedtime hour to ensure that you are getting enough sleep. Avoid the temptation to pull ‘all-nighters’. Regular, focused work sessions with breaks and plenty of rest allow your brain to work optimally.
Once you’ve done everything you can to produce your desired result, you must let go and surrender the outcome. There will be many factors that you can’t control, including the weather, what the market is doing, how consumers are feeling or what sort of mood another person shows up in. Focusing only on what you can control, and doing your best at it with a light heart, very often results in the outcome turning out to be far greater than you could have ever expected otherwise.
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FEEL GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
I am calm and relaxed and in a state of flow
I attract great opportunities wherever I go
I am open and ready to accept great things
(Pick an affirmation and say or write it slowly ten times. And if you want to repeat all the affirmations, that’s wonderful too!)
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KELLY’S SILLY BIT
Old-time insults hit better
There's an election happening in Australia, and I couldn't help but think about the way language is used to dance around things ... so I thought I would do a word waltz myself, and add to our list of ye olde words that can be used as an insult. In case you feel like reaching for one this week ... for no particular reason.
↓ Catch the first list of interesting insults in the post below if you missed it ↓:
Pumpion
This is actually an archaic word for pumpkin. Cute! But it was also a Shakespearean insult. Basically, if you call someone this, you're comparing them to a large, squishy and fleshy vegetable. It was used as a derogatory term for someone grotesque or unappealing.
Side note: Did you know the word ‘Grotty’ (a shortening of grotesque) was created for The Beatles? The screenwriter of A Hard Day’s Night, Alun Owen, hung out with The Beatles for two days and then went away and wrote it, taking in their humour and wordplay. The 1964 novelisation of A Hard Day's Night was the first time the word was ever used in print.
Watch the scene below to enjoy the word grotty. George Harrison, take it away:
Foot licker
Another one of Shakespeare's best, it's describing a modern day a suck up. A sycophant. Someone who is overly flattering, to gain favour. Yuuuck.
Strumpet
This one is an Elizabethan insult for a woman who engages in sex acts in exchange for pay. A sex worker in today's terms. Or another way of trying to say a woman is promiscuous. I love this word, I say we bring this one back and empower it!
Ninnyhammer
While we’re hanging out in the Elizabethan time, here’s another strong one. This is a derogatory put-down saying that someone is a foolish or simpleton. This was super offensive back in the day and very hurtful, even if it sounds funny to modern ears.
Dolt
A stupid person. Short word, so this is a short description.
Harridan
From France in the 1700s, this means a bossy, strict, bullying older woman. A scolding, vicious hag. Are you getting a picture? Women get all the nice ones, don't we?
Mundungas
An old, obsolete British word that meant cheap, smelly tobacco but was used as slang to describe something rubbish or worthless.
Popinjay
This is an old-fashioned word for a parrot. It’s also dated slang meaning a vain or conceited person. One who behaves extravagantly. So someone ‘extra’ (to use the parlance of our times) but being a a dick about it.
I wonder if insults of today will sound cute or quaint to future ears? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed these and added them to your arsenal of words when needed. Let us know if you have any more to add in the comments below!
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
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My goal? To learn to fly. For fun, for work, to make my dad proud!