Stop worrying about what other people think of you
And live your best life instead
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
Have you noticed how everyone is talking about how busy they are, and how the days, months and years seem to be speeding by?
Given that our lives are finite, it would benefit us to let go of anything that doesn’t serve us or wastes precious time so that we can focus on all the delights and opportunities this world offers us.
There couldn’t be a greater waste of time than worrying about what people think of us. Mostly because people are not thinking about us as much as we perceive they are.
While we may believe someone is judging us, they might, in fact, be worrying about whether they left the iron on at home. It’s impossible to tell because we can’t get inside their heads. Or if they do think poorly of us, it might only be for two minutes before they move on to thinking about something else. That’s not enough of an attention span to allow it to spoil our happiness.
However, because we are tribal in our nature we have an inbuilt concern for the opinions of others in our peer group. And because of the way our consumer society is set up, comparison and competition are all around us, which adds to our anxiety.
So, if we are going to be concerned with what other people think of us, let’s make sure we are doing it wisely and with discernment.
Grab your pen and journal and let’s get started:
PROMPTS
1. Write a list of all the people whose opinions you are currently concerned about.
E.g. Your friends, your colleagues, your social media followers, your boss, your partner, the people at your gym, the parents at school drop off, Frank down at the post office, etc
2. What is it exactly that you worry they are thinking about you? List all your fears.
E.g. That you’re a loser, that your body type doesn’t meet the current fashion, that you don’t make enough money, that you dress like a dork, that you aren’t as smart as them, that you can’t hold a steady relationship/job, that you are a terrible parent, that you are too old to be doing something etc
Now you have a clear idea of who is most influential in your life decisions (Prompt 1), and what your greatest insecurities are (Prompt 2).
3. If we want free ourselves from worrying about what others think of us, we must become less judgemental ourselves. Circle everything you listed in prompt 2 that you tend to think about other people.
E.g. Do you judge people’s worth by their income, their body shape, or the way that they dress?
Like attracts like. If we’re judgemental, we tend to attract other judgemental people into our lives.
See yourself as a student of people, and instead of judging another person, ask yourself whether there is something you can learn from them that is valuable, interesting or surprising.
There is a difference between being discerning and being judgemental. If you were interviewing someone for a position in your company, and their attitude and manner gave you the impression they would be difficult to work with, that is being discerning. If they were a good candidate but you noted that they lived in a less affluent suburb and you started making all sorts of assumptions about their character based only on that, then that would be being judgemental.
4. We set the tone for what others think of us by being conscious about what we think of ourselves.
What we think about ourselves not only influences our behaviour, but it also sends out signals that other people pick up. If you think that you aren’t attractive or capable, then that’s the subliminal message you give to others, and they may start thinking that you aren’t attractive or capable as well.
Make what you think of yourself more important than what others think of you. And because we tend to grow into our beliefs, make those thoughts positive.
Look at the insecurities you listed in Prompt 2. Can you reframe any of them positively starting with the words ‘I think …’?
For example:
I think my body is unique and attractive
I think I’m doing the best that I can and that makes me proud of myself
I think I’m an interesting person
You may feel a bit wobbly about these statements at first. But keep on repeating them and eventually they will become not only beliefs but identities that you will grow into and that will positively influence your confidence and behaviour.
By being secure in our opinion of ourselves, we also make ourselves more resistant to bullies (they can’t find our insecurities) and well-meaning but interfering relatives who think they know what’s best for us.
5. Cull the list that you made in Prompt 1
Cross out anyone on that list who doesn’t influence your life directly. The only people left on the list should be:
Very close family and friends who have your best interests at heart
Your partner who may be affected by the lifestyle and financial decisions you make
Those who pay you (for example, your employer and your customers)
[Kelly edit] As RuPaul puts it: “Unless they’re paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.”
For those people left on your list, you do need to have some concern about what they think of you. If your boss gives you feedback that you need to manage your time more effectively, you’d be wise to take that onboard. If your spouse thinks you are inconsiderate, your marriage is in trouble and needs some attention!
If you’re not sure about what those close to you think of you, try asking for helpful feedback.
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FEEL GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
I’m too focused on creating my best life to worry about what others think of me.
My journey is unique. My self-esteem is not contingent on the opinions of others.
I let go of my need to judge other people. I see everyone as my teacher instead.
(Say or write out these affirmations slowly ten times)
KELLY’S SILLY BIT
How are you? I missed you. It’s lovely to be back after a very short stint in the hospital, thank you again, Belinda, for helping me last week. I’m ok now.
Have you ever thought that certain concepts needed specific words to define them? For example, I think there should be a word for the specific satisfaction you get when you come home from shopping, pack it away and look at all your food in your fridge and cupboards.
Well, there ARE words for these:
The day after tomorrow is called overmorrow
The dot over an i or a j is called tittle
Finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning is called dysania
The space between your nostrils is called columella nasi
The flashes of images, light or colour that you see when you close your eyes or rub them are called phosphenes
Careless or illegible hand-writing is called griffonage
In Hey Jude, you call the na, na, na, na, na, na, na, etc vocables. It means the words in a song that don't have any meaning like la la la or dum dee dum
Your wee tiny toe or pinky finger is called minimus
A newborn baby’s cry is called vagitus
The space between your bed and the wall is a ruelle
A slight wish or tendency is called velleity
Pogonotrophy means beard-growing
Useful? No. Interesting? Yes!
Now, should the possibility of ever needing any of these words appear, you’ll now wow your friends! Please tell us if you do rattle any of these out and how, we’d love to hear!
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
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