Stop people pleasing
Authenticity is sexier
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
People pleasing refers to a type of behaviour where we feel a strong urge to make others happy, often at the expense of our own wants, needs, desires and sometimes even our own health.
It’s very different from simply being kind, generous or altruistic. In that case, a person makes active and balanced decisions about helping others but can still comfortably say ‘no’ when they have to prioritise something else.
People pleasers, on the other hand, feel almost physically sick at the idea of disappointing others because their behaviour is fear-based. Most often, it stems from a childhood where pleasing others was a way to stay safe. If someone had emotionally immature, out-of-control or even abusive parents, keeping the peace and never making demands was a way to become ‘invisible’ and stay out of harm’s way. Likewise, children who were bullied (or witnessed acts of bullying) will often grow up to be people pleasers.
Unfortunately, women are conditioned by society to be people pleasers because, from the time we’re children, we’re taught to be ‘good’ little girls (always put others first, don’t threaten men’s egos, etc). Being ‘assertive’ is often presented as unattractive, unfeminine and even ‘bad’ behaviour.
If you engage in people pleasing behaviours, don’t beat yourself up. You were conditioned to be this way from childhood, and you relied on the adults around you to shape your beliefs and teach you how to behave.
But you are an adult now. You’re likely aware that people pleasing behaviour is affecting your quality of life. It may even be putting you at risk of harm.
Showing up as your authentic self and allowing others to be their authentic selves is a beautiful and healthy way to live your life. Helping others out of a true spirit of generosity, while still being aware of your own needs, works so much better than trying to make others happy out of fear.
So, grab a pen and your journal and let’s get started on leaving people pleasing behaviour behind for good!
PROMPTS
1. In what situations do you engage in people pleasing behaviour? And who do you most feel the need to please?
2. What feelings come up when you think about saying ‘no’ to this person (or these people) and where do you experience them in your body? What thoughts do you have when you are feeling this way?
For example, the idea of saying ‘no’ to my friend gives me a nauseous feeling in my stomach and makes my pulse race. I think they’re going to get angry if I disappoint them, and they’re going to think I’m an unlikeable, horrible person.
STRATEGIES
1. How you end people pleasing behaviour with the individual or individuals you listed above depends on them as much as it does on you. You need to determine what category of personality they fall into before you can start changing the dynamic.
a) A healthy, safe person.
This is someone who genuinely likes you and cares about you. They express their likes, dislikes and boundaries in a very open, relaxed and non-threatening way.
These people would very much like you to be yourself. They want to know the authentic you – what you like and dislike, and what your boundaries are. It’s very likely that your people pleasing behaviour is making them uncomfortable. They are empathetic enough to pick up on the mixed signals of what you are saying and the different vibe you give off.
For example, they invite you to see a horror film with them, and you say ‘yes’ even though you hate that kind of movie. They will pick up something false in your behaviour, but may not be able to exactly put their finger on it.
This is an excellent person to start taking steps to be authentic with. They may be a little bit surprised or disappointed that you don’t like zombie films as much as they do. But because they genuinely like you, they will happily negotiate going to see a film that you will both enjoy instead.
b) A self-centred person.
This is a person who you intuitively know will drop you the minute you say ‘no’ to their requests, and for some reason, this frightens you. So you go along with them to keep them in your life. People often make this mistake in the early days of dating. They are so keen to have an intimate partner that they’ll go camping when they hate it, pretend to enjoy spicy food even though it makes them nauseous, and even engage in sexual activities they find distasteful just to hold onto someone.
This is a situation where you have to re-parent yourself and get a much clearer idea about who you really are, what you like and dislike, and what you want your life to look like. Then find friends and partners who fit with those desires. Be more concerned with whether you like someone, rather than if they like you.
Journaling regularly is a great way to get more clarity about yourself. (So, thank you for joining us each week with The Intentionalist!)
These types of relationships are very easy to disengage from. Simply say ‘no’ to this person and they will drop you faster than a hotcake. And good riddance!
Think of these people like trains in a station. When one pulls out, it leaves space for another one to come in – and hopefully one that is travelling in your direction.
c) An unsafe – and possibly even outright dangerous – person
If you find yourself engaging in people pleasing behaviour because your experience of doing otherwise results in emotional or physical harm, or the spoken or unspoken threat of it, you are being abused.
This situation will only get worse and more dangerous as time goes on. Individuals who engage in this behaviour are manipulative and very aware that they are terrorising you to control you. It’s imperative to get yourself professional help from someone qualified in intimate relationship abuse to leave this type of situation. Be safe and look after yourself.
Reformed people pleasers will tell you that life on the other side is so much happier and freer. Taking responsibility for your happiness is the most empowering thing you can do. By becoming your own best friend, you become a sincere friend to others.
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FEEL GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
I choose respectful, equal relationships where I am free to be myself.
I deserve to feel safe when I express myself honestly and will leave any relationship where I am not free to do so.
I am responsible for my own happiness. Other people are responsible for their own happiness, too. It is not my responsibility to make them happy.
(Pick an affirmation and say or write it slowly ten times. And if you want to repeat all the affirmations, that’s wonderful too!)
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KELLY’S SILLY BIT
SILLY HISTORY
I’ve been sniffing about for some funny historical bits this week and found some goodies for you on Andrew Jackson and Queen Elizabeth I.
POLLY HAS AN ABSOLUTE CRACKER
Andrew Jackson (America's 7th president) bought a $25* African grey parrot named Poll for his wife Rachel. He adored that bird and took great glee in teaching the parrot many profanities. When Jackson passed away, it's said that at his funeral, sassy little Poll got so excited by all the people gathering, she commenced swearing so loudly and for so long that Poll had to be removed.
*around $800 in today's money
A RIGHT CANING
On January 30th 1835, 67-year-old Andrew Jackson was attending a funeral. As he left, a man stepped out and pulled out a pistol to shoot him, but it misfired. The man pulled out yet another pistol, raised it and took another shot ... which also misfired. At which point, President Jackson beat the man with his own cane as others then intervened to restrain the man. This was the first assassination attempt on a sitting US president.
THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE
Still on Jackson, he had a two-ton hunk of cheese that sat in the foyer of the White House. It has been a 1,600-pound gift ... so he kept it on display(?!) for a year. During the final party he threw as president in 1837, he allowed everyone to have at it. It was gone in two hours, but it's said the carpet was slippery with cheese, as was the air. Apparently, the smell remained for quite some time after.
HE CUT THE CHEESE
Have you ever been somewhere with important people, felt your tummy rumble and thought to yourself, Oh, not here. Please stay in.
Well, in the 1500s, the Earl of Oxford met Queen Elizabeth I. On meeting her, he bowed respectfully low. And it happened. Yep. That’s the moment one slipped out. He was SO deeply ashamed that he left the country for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS. When he did happen to return the Queen welcomed him and said: My lord, I had forgot the fart!
Good gear from her.
If you have any other historical cheese and crackers, we’d love to hear them in the comments!
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
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