Let’s talk about loneliness
And forging connections with ourselves and others
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
Government health departments around the world are sharing a growing concern with what has been termed ‘an epidemic of loneliness’.
The US Surgeon General’s announcement that ‘lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day’, is enough to send many of us tweaking our dating profiles and marrying the nearest available person, or heading down to the pub to make some friends when we don’t even drink.
But not all ‘loneliness’ is created equal. A person who lives solo and loves tranquillity and independence is going to enjoy better health than someone living with five people and yet feels invisible, unloved and disrespected.
Today’s prompts are about helping us forge deeper, more satisfying connections with ourselves and others. This week’s newsletter is longer than usual because we’ve identified different types of loneliness. Please feel free to focus on the type you find most relates to you.
Grab a pen and your journal and let’s get started!
PROMPTS
THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF LONELINESS
1. Temporary or Situational Loneliness
This type of loneliness is due to a change of circumstances. For instance, you’ve been transferred to another country for work or lost a partner due to death or divorce. The break from familiar bonds can be painful and discombobulating.
Fortunately, because this type of loneliness is part of our human existence, our brains, bodies and hearts have the inbuilt ability to heal, grow and deepen from the experience.
You can assist the process of grieving your past and moving towards a new (and perhaps even better) future by:
Developing a daily soothing ritual
e.g. A walk in nature, reading an entertaining book, a bubble bath, etcWhen you are ready, participating in a weekly expansion activity that involves meeting new people and is something you would enjoy doing.
e.g. attending a language class, joining an organised walking group or a
film-making club, etc.Reaching out to friends and family to help support you. If friends and family aren’t available, a specialised counsellor could be helpful in this transition phase.
What things can do for yourself in this period that will support your healing process?
What encouraging things can you say to yourself as you go through this transition period?
Who can you reach out to for comfort and support?
Accepting what has happened/changed, what could a happy future look like for you?
Special note: If you are in the aftermath of a traumatic event like a natural disaster, domestic abuse or other life-threatening situation it can be especially emotionally isolating. As well as taking the actions we have offered above, it would be a good idea to engage a qualified trauma counsellor to help you heal and be able to connect to people again. Some people find joining a support group helpful.
2. Chronic Loneliness or Soul-Connection Loneliness
This is the most crushing form of loneliness. It feels like an ever-present shadow in our lives and makes us feel disconnected from the people around us. Unfortunately, in Western culture, we are indoctrinated to look to outside sources to make ourselves feel better rather than going within. We try to avoid or solve our loneliness by getting married and having children, or constantly surrounding ourselves with activity and people. And yet sadly, while we have company, we don’t always feel connected.
Can you go a whole day of being by yourself, and not speaking or seeing another person, and yet still go to bed feeling peaceful and contented with yourself?
Can you handle long periods of silence where you are alone with your thoughts, or do you always turn the television on when you come home from work or immediately telephone or see someone to avoid the feeling of being alone?
If you can’t handle solitude and yet often feel lonely when you are with other people, the chances are that you have lost a connection with your soul, or your inner self. This ability to not being able to handle being alone can lead to all sorts of problems such as addiction or staying in toxic relationships just to have somebody about. These create a deeper cycle of isolation.
Do you have a daily activity that feeds your soul and that you can do alone? If not, what do you think you could try?
Some suggestions from us include: Meditation; an engaging hobby that is so satisfying you lose all track of time when you are doing it, like gardening or surfing; or a creative pursuit such as painting or playing a musical instrument.
By nurturing a strong connection with yourself, problems you have with connecting with others often resolve themselves as long as you are putting yourself in situations to meet good people e.g. accepting invitations to events, joining clubs etc. When you feel good and whole in yourself, it’s easier to relate to people from all walks of life, and you can be choosey about who will make a good partner or friend for you. Social awkwardness often melts away on its own because you have learned to be comfortable with yourself.
3. The Loneliness of the Exceptionals: The Highly Sensitive, Visionaries, Geniuses and the Gifted
If you are highly sensitive, a visionary, a genius or gifted, you probably often feel different to the people around you. This can make it hard to relate to others.
Your uniqueness is a gift to humanity and you likely have a special role to play in moving the world forward. If you fulfil it, your life will be rich, full of purpose and rewarding. You might find the following suggestions helpful:
Highly Sensitive people are often viewed as fragile because they’re easily triggered by the cruelty and violence that exists in the world. Your sensitivity can make it difficult for you to be around people, and for them to be around you (they feel like they have to walk on eggshells). We highly recommend that you spend 30 minutes a day in deep meditation to calm your brain and nervous system. This will enable you to respond to the world rather than react. That way your sensitivity will be a superpower to put more kindness in the world, rather than a disadvantage that makes you want to shut yourself away.
Visionaries are people who have a strong desire to help society evolve and become more just, more compassionate and more peaceful. However, being a trailblazer is often a lonely and thankless calling. You’ll likely be attacked by opponents who have vested interests in keeping the status quo. You might like to consider joining a leadership training group or getting some mentoring in developing your leadership skills. Good leaders are humble, communicate well and don’t take criticism personally. Having a mentor or other high-level thinkers around you will give you a feeling of being supported.
Geniuses and the gifted: It’s important that you find other like-minded people who can think at your level. Otherwise, not being understood by the people around you can leave you feeling alone. Universities, masterclasses and conferences are all good places to seek out other geniuses and gifted people. Using your special genius or gift to uplift and help people, can give you a very powerful sense of purpose and connection.
Do any of the above suggestions resonate with you? What can you do in the next month to put them into action?
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FEEL GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
This loneliness will pass. There is nothing wrong with me.
I am enjoying learning to connect to my soul.
In loving and accepting myself, I become better at loving and accepting others.
I make good friends easily, and I enjoy their company immensely.
(Say or write out this affirmation slowly ten times)
KELLY’S SILLY BIT
LOST IN TRANSLATION
In 1977, an audience in Poland couldn't quite wrap their ears around what then US President Jimmy Carter was saying to them ... and I don't blame them.
In Carter's speech, he mentioned that ‘he wished to know more about the Polish people's desires for the future.’ His translator, Steven Seymour, relayed that back to the crowd as something akin to: him desiring Poland......sexually.
Some highlights that then followed:
President Carter:
I left the United States this morning
Interpreter:
I left the United States, never to return
President Carter:
I am happy to be in Poland
Interpreter:
I am happy to grasp at Poland's private parts
Steven obviously got the boot and a new translator was brought in, thank goodness.
On the same trip but a little later on, President Carter gave a toast at a state banquet. He spoke his first line and waited for the translation ... silence. He pressed on with his next line and paused ... absolute crickets. It turned out the new interpreter couldn't follow along and thought it best to say nothing at all … given the previous shemozzle.
Yikes!
If you’re worried about going back to work after the holidays, just think. It can’t be as bad as President Carter’s 1977 trip to Poland. You’ve got this!
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
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