Feel like a failure?
Read this!
Happy Friday, Intentionalists!
Nobody likes to fail, just like nobody likes to get the flu. When we fail at something – especially if we truly worked hard at it and gave it our all – the disappointment can feel crushing.
The reality is that we will all fail in many areas of our lives at different times: And the bigger and more important (and especially the more daring) endeavours we try, the more likely that failure will be part of the journey.
That’s often because those activities require the most learning and change from us, and that can take trial and error.
Even the most seemingly successful, charmed-by-life people will have their share of failures. The difference, however, is that they don’t tend to focus on them as much as other people. They experience failure but they learn from it and move on quickly. They don’t make failure part of their identity.
This concept is important because there is a significant difference between having not gotten a desired result and thinking that you are a failure.
Internalising failure not only prolongs the disappointment, but it also sets you up for future failure. Our brains follow the directions we give them by what we believe, think and visualise. If you send your brain the message that you are a failure and that you expect to fail again in the future, it will help you fulfil that prophecy.
The best way to respond to failure is with a growth mindset. We would never call a toddler learning to walk a failure simply because they toppled over the first few times they tried to stand up. It’s important to give yourself the same sort of grace when you are trying to reach a certain goal.
Today’s prompts are going to help you examine your feelings of failure and help you change your self-image. We want you to start thinking of yourself as a person who is smart, capable and on their way to success.
PROMPTS
1. What specifically makes you feel like you are a failure?
In what areas of your life do you feel you’re coming up short? What hasn’t worked out for you so far? E.g. Finances, career success, relationships, health etc
Note: If you think you have failed at ‘everything’ ask yourself if that is really true. If you’re reading this, then you’ve managed to keep yourself alive which, biologically speaking, is a huge success! If you feel your failure is all-pervasive, we still encourage you to write out the specific areas of your life where you think you’ve failed. Often this exercise reveals that you are in fact doing well in some areas of your life, but you aren’t acknowledging it.
E.g. your finances are a mess, but you have friends who adore you. You may not have reached your fitness goals, but you have managed to learn a certain software program and hold down a job, etc
2. Now let’s switch the word ‘failure’ for the phrase: ‘Not yet achieved the desired results’
The word ‘failure’ comes with such negative connotations that we suggest you switch it to the phrase ‘not yet achieved the desired results’. Doing so opens you to the possibility that there are different strategies you can try to get what you want and that with persistence, success in that certain aspect of your life is not only possible but likely. Thinking this way is the definition of a growth mindset.
Review the list you wrote in prompt 1. If there is more than one area of your life that you feel you are failing in, take the most important one or two for this exercise. Now write down the following:
So far, I haven’t achieved the desired results in … (You fill in the blank).
The strategies I have used to try to achieve the results I want include:
Some new or better strategies I could try could be:
Note: If you are stuck on what better strategies you could try, it might be a good idea to employ a coach to help you, do an online course, read a book to develop a certain skill, or talk to someone who is succeeding in that area, etc. Your lack of success may simply be a matter of not having enough knowledge about the subject or the right role models to follow, or you might not have developed a key skill.
3. Focus on happiness rather than success
Ultimately, what we all want to be is happy. Yet, from the time we were school children, we didn’t receive rewards for being happy. We received rewards for tying our shoelaces, winning the egg-and-spoon race, or handing our homework in on time. In this way, success and happiness have become intertwined in our minds. Most of us hold strong beliefs that if we were to succeed at achieving a certain goal, we would also achieve happiness. But that is not the case. The kind of ‘happiness’ that results from success and achievement is often fleeting.
Happiness emanates from the way we think, not from external validation. And here is the kicker: Happy people tend to be more successful than miserable people. This is because their optimistic attitudes help them spot opportunities, make friends more easily and wear their ‘failures’ very, very lightly.
Contemplate the ways you could enhance your happiness that are not tied to achievement. For instance, could you create a morning routine that makes you feel alive and energised for the day ahead? Could you write a gratitude list at the end of the day to ramp up a positive perspective on life? Perhaps you could exercise to feel happy rather than to look a certain way. Or could you set aside a few hours each week to pursue a hobby that fills you with joy?
A great way to improve your thinking is to practise positive affirmations daily to condition your mind for elevated emotions like joy, appreciation, awe etc We provide affirmations every week here in The Intentionalist. Try writing out or saying your favourite one ten or more times a day (slowly and mindfully) for seven days to train your mind to view the world more optimistically.
Write your ideas down and put them in your diary or on your calendar so that you follow through on them starting today!
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FEEL GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
I choose to see failures as opportunities to learn and grow
I make pursuing goals fun – whether I succeed or fail, I enjoy and learn from the process
The way I think about myself and life is the key to my happiness, not what I achieve
No matter how many times I fall, I always get up again
(Pick an affirmation and say or write it slowly ten times. And if you want to repeat all the affirmations, that’s wonderful too!)
FANTASTIC NEWS, INTENTIONALISTS!
The Intentionalist is now on Instagram and Facebook.
Please follow us there as we’ll be posting more positive affirmations, reminders to follow through on specific points we have taught in each newsletter, and … taa daa! Details of our upcoming guided daily journal The Feel Good Now Journal which we are so excited to tell you more about in the next few weeks. And of course, we’ll enjoy more of Kelly’s silly bits and wordplay!
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KELLY’S SILLY BIT
Victorian Slang
I think the Victorians may have done it best. The Victorian era was the time of Queen Victoria's reign, starting in 1837 and ending after she died in 1901.
These terms are out of use today, but it's time for a resurgence, don’t you think? As you’ll see, the Victorians had a great sense of humour. Here are some of my favourite slang terms from that era:
Cacklefarts | The visual this gives makes me laugh
Chicken eggs. Eggs! It means eggs. Brilliant.
Bags o’ mystery | I mean, they’re not wrong
For sausages, because you can’t be sure what’s actually gone in them.
Skilamalink | Really fun to say
A word to describe someone shady. Someone dishonest, resourceful and cunning.
Tickety-boo | You’ve probably heard this one but it’s so sweet-sounding!
It means something is satisfactory. It’s in good order.
Gigglemug | Another cutie!
Someone who is constantly smiling.Balderdash | You can really spit this one out with force
You say this when you dismiss something as untrue or absurd.Snottingers | Another ah, less fun, visual one …
A coarse word for a handkerchief or hankie.Bumbershoot | Maybe Rhianna can make a catchy song about this?
It’s your umbrella! Not 100% sure about this BUT the thinking is that bumber is a modification of the umbr- in umbrella and the shoot is an alteration of the -chute in parachute (click the link to read more on the Merriam-Webster website).Got the morbs | This sounds fresh like we could still use it today!
Slang for feeling sad. Morbs is short for morbid or morbidness.Nanty Narking | Apparently also the name of a board game
It means having an excellent time. It suggests TOO much fun. Mischievious fun.Afternoonified | Oh, I say!
Saying something is sophisticated and refined. Or another way of saying something is posh or smart-looking.
Enthuzimuzzy | I am enthuzimuzzy about the Beatles!
It means to be enthusiastic or passionate about something
Lollygag | Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time as they say
It means to waste time
That’s Tickity-boo for today, my friends. I hope there’s lots of nanty narking for you this weekend and that you’re a gigglemug! Do you know any others I could add to this list? We’d love to hear which is your favourite in the comments 🤗
Be an intentionalist.
Belinda & Kelly XX
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